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Keeping in Touch with Your Tween
When it comes to raising a hormonal and potentially emotionally-charged tween,
there's no clear-cut route to maintaining sanity. But during these formative
middle school years, you can incorporate some simple strategies for keeping the
lines of communication open with your tween, which is the best way to help your
child negotiate a safe and healthy path to adulthood. A chat with Texas Children's
adolescent expert Dr. Amy Middleman yielded these straightforward tips for making
the most out of this often confusing time.
Take an authoritative stance. Authoritative parenting
is all about setting reasonable guidelines and boundaries for your tween, while taking his
opinions and desires into consideration. Set consequences for poor choices in behavior ahead
of time and continually reinforce positive behaviors. Don't rule with an iron fist, which
can lead to rebellion, but leave room for negotiation with your child. Doing so will allow
a reciprocal trust to develop and give your tween the chance to be heard.
Create a safe and open line of communication. Open communication is the key to really
connecting with your adolescent. Even during tough discussions, creating a safe, non-judgmental
approach will encourage your tween to feel comfortable sharing concerns without fear of condemnation
or disapproval. This doesn't mean you can't express your expectations for her behavior, but
allowing for mistakes and missteps will help her feel able to come to you with problems.
Make her feel at ease by validating her feelings and helping her work out resolutions.
Schedule face-to-face time. Set aside time each week to spend with your adolescent, even if it is only 10 minutes alone before bedtime. In the ever-changing middle school world, a routine parent-tween time can be an anticipated event and can provide a great opportunity to connect without any distraction. Family meals at home can also provide valuable face time with your tweens - a time when they know they can see you and test out your responses and thoughts on various topics. If conversation lags, a fun routine might include going around the table and having each family member talk about highs and lows of their day.
Be a safety net. Teach your tween "refusal skill strategies" and review them every so often. Let him know that it's ok to use you as an excuse to say "no" and remove himself from a compromising situation. For example, if a peer asks him to try a cigarette, he can say "You know my mom would kill me" or "I can't. I have to be home soon for dinner." Allowing him to place the blame on you can keep him from caving in to peer pressure and give him an easy out.
Strategically approach awkward subjects. Many parents fear having difficult and awkward conversations during the tween years. Instead of trying to get all of the "difficult" subjects out of the way with
1 or 2 momentous conversations, introduce topics gradually and leave the talk open-ended. Let your tween think about the subject and approach you with questions when
she's ready. Don't focus solely on everything you are trying to convey;
instead, listen to your child and find out what she wants to know. You may find that
she will actually dictate the direction of the conversation, making it easier for you to find all the right words.
Model good behavior. Practice what you preach in daily life. Kids this age soak in most lessons by observing the behavior of others. If you want your adolescent to resolve conflict without yelling or screaming, then model good conflict resolution in your home and with other relationships. Tweens are more likely to respect and obey your guidelines for them when you display appropriate behavior in your own life.
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